I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
