Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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