you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
