I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
