shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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