We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
