my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
