Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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