My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
