I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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