The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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