you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
