I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Randomize
