can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
