If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You can't just leave with hair like that
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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