i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
