So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
