i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize