I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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