On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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