I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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