True but thats because hes a fetus.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
