Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
