I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
