why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
