I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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