I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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