My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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