That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
