Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
