Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
