I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
