I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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