I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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