So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize