he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
