i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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