there's paper in my vomit.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
