Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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