She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
