btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
