i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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