It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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