Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize