For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
