There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
