I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
