I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
