Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
