You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Alive.
So much puke
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
