Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
