My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
