no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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